Movie Review: Hatchet

My inner geek has been appeased.

For too long the Hollywood machine has churned out crappy horror movie after crappy horror movie, with sequels and remakes being the theme of the day. The last few years have seen more PG-13, pointless, blood and nudity-free, soft horror films than ever before. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake and subsequent sequel were terrible. The remake of The Fog was a bore. Hostel and Hostel 2, while R-rated, were plot-less, derivative drivel lacking any remotely likable characters. The Eye, The Grudge, The Ring- all Americanized, spiritless, lesser versions of the original imports.

We need Old-School American Horror.

Enter Hatchet.

Let me get one thing out of the way right now: I was wrong. This is not a retread of Friday the 13th, even if the villain looks like Jason, sounds like Jason, and is played by the greatest actor to ever fill the shoes of Jason. Victor Crowley is an entirely different blood-crazed freak.

The biggest complaint I have with the film is that the real star, Victor Crowley, is essentially a complete non-entity until the final thirty minutes. It's "The Jaws Effect" where the director tries to build suspense by keeping the monster off screen until the big, dramatic reveal. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work for Hatchet. We get one, maybe two, half glimpses of Victor but there isn't any suspense or dread leading into the reveal. I see what the director was trying to do, but it kind of just falls flat. When the big reveal finally does come, Crowley pretty much just jumps out of his shack, yells "Ta-Da!" then proceeds to hack a man in half in one of the most ridiculous kills in cinema history. No build up, no anticipation. And from then on, it's just all Victor Crowley, all the time.

And that is the moment when the movie gets good. Victor Crowley is one damn cool creation. He's a sick freak, both in his looks and his actions. Kane Hodder does a fantastic job in his portrayal, producing a horror icon that behaves like none that have come before. Where Jason was slow and deliberate, Victor is quick and spontaneous. He's constantly moving and thrashing his arms, more like a rabid wolverine on speed than a man. Victor is Kane Hodder's raged-out Jason, taken to the next level, ALL THE TIME. Really, it's quite glorious. In addition, I challenge anyone to find a kill in any of the Friday movies that can even hold a candle to the death of Mrs. Permatteo. The creativity on display from the writer/director Adam Green is remarkable. His finger is really on the pulse of what old school horror hounds crave.

Hatchet is one hell of a violent movie. The blood runs free and there's plenty of mean-spirited, nasty deaths. The nice thing about the film is that the violence knows it's over the top. While there's no cute audience winking (Thank God), the movie knows it's supposed to be delivering a good time and never takes itself too seriously.

I mentioned earlier that the movie takes too long setting itself up. It does, it really, really does. The good news is those early 45 minutes are still righteously entertaining. The movie has a real sense of humor and the jokes are legitimately funny. The tempo is still excellent as the humor comes at frequent bursts, helping the action stay lively.

Now for my biggest complaint, which isn't even really about the movie itself: The fact that this movie did not receive a wide theatrical release is a travesty. This movie is a blood-soaked, over-the-top thrill ride that DEMANDS to be viewed in a sold out movie theater. The humor and violence need to be seen with a rowdy crowd, one where everyone knows the right time to scream, to yell, and to throw popcorn at the screen. Shame on you for denying my that experience, Hollywood. Shame on you.

The Final Verdict: If you're a horror fan, check this movie out. preferably with a large group of friends. Pop corn is a must. Writer/Director Adam Green will go places in this genre if he wants to, and I hope he will. I'd love to see a Hatchet 2, especially in the theaters.