Bioshock and Stupid Controversy

This is my first time posting about a video game, but likely will not be the last. I have hobbies outside of bad movies, I swear. Really. At any rate, if you are a gamer and haven't tried out Bioshock yet... What the hell, Really, what the hell. Go try it now. This is a game that no doubt will be on many Best of 2007 lists and deservedly so.

When the game first came out there were a few people outraged about a game that forced players to "kill" little girls. These people kind of missed the point, however, because the game didn't force anyone to kill little girls, but rather presented a morally ambiguous choice to the player. Killing the little girls could be done, yes, but doing so had consequences within the game's story. It was an artistic decision, but stupid people still got up in arms over the whole deal.

At any rate, I hate stupid controversy and those that are easily offended. So, to those of you who were offended by Bioshock, I give you something to really be offended about. To everyone else, just take it like it's meant. Laugh a little and forget about it.



This should totally be on a t-shirt.

Oh, and Happy New Years and all that jazz.
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I Am Legend 2: The Return of Bagger Vance


"Robert Neville, everyone's favorite, quirky, ultra-cool, military-scientist returns in this action-packed, heartwarming sequel! Having already bastardized one of the greatest fiction stories of all time, actor Will Smith returns to this vampire-infested, post-apocalyptic world, but with a new twist! With civilization back on the upswing, the family-less Neville decides now is the perfect time to begin his new life and he starts by choosing a new career- he becomes a pro-golfer! The only problem is he's terrible! Wacky, cgi-vampire shenanigans ensue! Coming to Neville's aide is the ghostly, kindhearted caddy, Bagger Vance. In a stunning, Oscar-worthy double-duty performance, Bagger Vance (Smith) helps Neville (Smith) not only with improving his game, but with shedding his jaded, unworldly views! It's a heart warming tale that can be enjoyed by the whole family! Double the fun! Double the Smith! Double the Legend! I Am Legend 2: The Return of Bagger Vance!"

Coming Soon - Summer 2009

Like it? Leave a comment.
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Holiday Season Movie Preview

Hey all. I haven't updated in a couples days and everything is pretty slow around here due to the holidays. I figured I'd better get off my butt and get some new content up, so I humbly present a series of short previews of movies currently in the theater:

  • Alvin and the Chipmunks: Come on. Really? Did anyone see the cgi Garfield flick a few years back? Or the two Scooby Doo movies? What's the obsession with taking old cartoon characters and inserting them into live action movies? I guess I just don't get it. I'll admit, this one does look cuter than most and looks appropriate for trying to entertain some of the the younger wee-folk. And I guess if you have to play the part of chaperon, at least this one's got Jason Lee.
  • Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street: You know what I love about Tim Burton? To paraphrase a friend of mine, when Tim Burton has the idea that he should write a new movie, he grabs a typewriter and a shovel, drives out to the middle of the woods, digs a hole about 8 feet down, climbs down with typewriter in tow, and sits there for about 6 months, the entire time going, "LOOK HOW WEIRD I AM!!! FUCKING LOOK! WEIRD! AREN'T I FUCKING WEIRD? WOOOOO! WOOO! WOOO!" Just like Daffy Duck.
  • P.S. I Love You: I'm sure the chicas this movie is aimed at will enjoy it, but I can't help but feel that they're starting to run out of ideas for chick flicks. So this guy arranges a series of 10 tasks to be revealed to his grieving widow via letters in the mail, posthumously. Morbid, no?
  • AvP:Requiem: I spent a post talking about this one already too. Since I left that article one a somewhat upwards lifting note, now that the movie's out I thought I'd let everyone know that based on some trusted reviews the movie is utter crap. Horror fans are encouraged to go see The Orphanage instead, although that one is sounds a little too much like The Others for my liking. Hey, look, I just covered two movies in one paragraph. That's efficiency, baby!
And now, for no apparent reason, random internet cat!

Well, that's about all I have time for right now. Enjoy the holiday season. Anyone have any great plans for New Years? Sitting at home doesn't count.
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Merry Christmas To Everyone!

Hey all, I hope you're at home, surrounded by loved ones and preparing to gorge yourself with food. Eat, drink, and be merry. If you've been good maybe you'll even get paid a visit by ole Santy Claws! Happy Holidays!



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Cloverfield Monster's Identity Revealed!

So the big deal on the internet with Cloverfield right now revolves around figuring out what the hell the monster is going to look like. A noble endeavor that I myself admit to pursuing. I’ve scoured the web for countless hours trying to find any faint hint or clue related to the monster’s identity. The most I could find was this screen capture which appears to be some sort of early special effects test. Minor spoilers ahead!

Okay, so I haven't found anything yet. Well, neither have you, so stop crying about it. We must eagerly await some sort of official reveal together. To help pass the time, I thought it might be cool to talk about what we all hope Cloverfield is.

Now, I don't mean it in the literal sense of what the monster looks like. We'll find that out in due time regardless. As I mentioned in an earlier post that I want Cloverfield to be the next, great giant monster flick, I wasn't, however, especially clear on what that statement meant. Let's face it, in this day and age movies with scenes of mass destruction are common place. Exploding buildings and sinking ships can all be digitally inserted for pennies on the dollar. Simply creating the visuals of a giant monster tearing apart NYC isn't much of a challenge.

But making that scenario frightening is.

The best monster movies are those that tap into society's psyche, finds the pressing issues, and exploits the hell out of them. The best example of this is the original Godzilla film, Gojira. When released in Japan, the movie hit a nerve with audience members. Godzilla wasn't just about some guy in a rubber suit, it was a metaphor for nuclear energy and the atomic bomb. The scenes of destruction in the film brought to mind images of Hiroshima, still fresh in people's minds. The scenes involving make-shift hospitals where women and children were being treated for radiation burns were terrifying because it was real. These things really happened in Japan, and not all that long before the movie was made.

America needs this kind of monster movie. Hollywood too often settles for throwing eye candy up on the screen at the expense of real, raw emotions. Cloverfield has a chance to take the best of both worlds and combine them. I hope J.J. Abrams sees this opportunity and seizes it. The Cloverfield monster could be anything, a lion, a chimera, a griffon, whatever. It doesn’t matter. Just give the movie meaning. Let it hit a chord in this media over-saturated world where war is waged and good people die every day. Take a chance and hit a little too close to home. Make us feel uncomfortable.
Below is a list of ideas I’ve had about how the creature’s origins that tap into some real, modern day concerns:
  • The monster is created by runaway science, a creature born from the genetic manipulations of common life forms. We live in a world where science is beginning to blur the lines between that which is natural and synthetic. It’s only a matter of time before we’re able to create life from nothing, if it hasn’t been done already.
  • A mutation, or a familiar creature somehow changed by pollution. The green movement is huge these days. Everyone seems to be worried about Global Warming, Greenhouse gases, Carbon dioxide in the air and mercury in the water. Not to sound like an alarmist, but a lot of people out there worry about the irreversible changes we’ve made to the planet.
  • A natural creature, undiscovered until now. Maybe we’ve invaded its natural habitat or disturbed it in some other way. Maybe it’s an ancient animal that’s been hibernating for eons. The basic theme here is we’ve raped Mother Nature for so long that it’s time she had some revenge.
The problem I see with all of the above is they’re all been done a hundred times before. People may be scared of these ideas in real life, but in the movies they’re just bad clich├ęs. Perhaps story alone isn’t sufficient to scare us anymore. If so, use imagery to scare us. Use the CGI with purpose. Just like the radiation poisoning in Gojira reminded audiences of Hiroshima, show us a devastated NYC and remind us of 9/11. Let the trappings of the monster movie genre disguise it, but tap into those powerful, raw emotions. Bring us back to that day and make us feel what we felt then. It isn’t inappropriate, it’s cathartic.
Mr. Abrams, I challenge you to make a movie that people will talk about 50 years from now, not because of what the movie is, but because of what the movie represents. 
After all, that’s why we watch these types of movies. 
Isn’t it?
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Anticipating Cloverfield: 1-18-08

I realized something recently: I write a whole lot about movies I haven't seen or have no intention of seeing. To remedy this situation, I'd like to take a moment to talk about a movie I will be seeing, opening night, come hell or high water. And that film is J.J. Abram's Cloverfield.

Let me preface this by saying I don't watch Lost and I have no intention of ever starting. Frankly, it looks dull. I only mention this because some people seem to think that this J.J. Abrams person is fairly infallible at this stage of his career. I don't know much of anything about that, but I know he's not turning poop into gold with some sick-fetish version of the Midas Touch. Regardless, Cloverfield has made me giddy in ways that no man ever should be.

Let me put it another way.

Giant monster. In New York City. Destroying the Statue of Liberty.

Not GINO.

What more could a giant monster aficionado turned internet geek wish for? Oh, I've got it. How about a really cool and elaborate viral marketing campaign, complete with a maddening lack of detail. Check. How about making it to exactly one month before the movie's wide release (being today), without having your monster design leaked all over the internet yet. Big check.

Much like the rest of the world, I don't know much of what the movie is actually about, but really, it doesn't matter. I've been waiting for a great monster movie for years. The Host was close. Real close. I'm hoping Cloverfield will be the one.

As excited as I am for this movie, I know of at least one person who isn't too thrilled about it.


I can only hope that the Big G will forgive me this indiscretion. Perhaps He may take some comfort in knowing that for many months the rumorville thought Cloverfield might in fact be a new American version of Godzilla. There were other monster identity theories as well, including Voltron (Lame. Sorry.), a Griffon, a Lion/Sphinx, and even Cthulhu. For the record, my vote was on Cthulhu. And even though it's looking doubtful at this point, that's still a movie I'd pay money to see. Are you listening, Hollywood? Giant, pissed, squid-mouthed, elder god with wings. Bring it.
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Die Hard 6: Blast Off Or Die Hard

This pic goes with a post a ways back. Enjoy my 1337 photochop skillzorz.


"John McClane is just your average, everyday-Joe cop. He didn't ask to save the world, or the United States, or NYC, or Dulles International Airport, or the Nakatomi Tower hostages, he just had to. Now, with a new interstellar threat emerging and his retirement from the force only six hours away, this average everyday-Joe cop must take to the stars in his wildest, most unwanted adventure yet! With his seven times divorced wife and his forty year old kids being held hostage in the Lunar Space Station, John will have to shoot a whole lot of generic goons before facing the ultimate villain, the Grubertron-X5000! Hold onto your hats, cowboys! McClane is back!"

Coming Soon - Summer of 2015!

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"Hatchet" Comes Home, A Preview

Today is the day. A monumental day in the world of horror films. Finally, at long last, "Hatchet" is being released on DVD. Oh yes, it will be mine. I've been excited to see this film ever since I heard Kane Hodder's name was attached to it following the FvJ burn he received.

For those of you not in the know, Kane Hodder played Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th VII onwards (and did some stunt doubling prior to that). He was the first actor to breathe real life into the character. Jason as played by Hodder is not some doddering, backwoods hillbilly. He is hulking, seething, rage incarnate. In many fans eyes, Kane Hodder defines Jason Voorhees.

When Freddy vs. Jason was announced several years back, fans rejoiced. Only to have sand thrown in their eyes when the announcement came that Kane Hodder would not be playing Jason. "What?!" we cried out in unison, but to no avail. The statement that I heard was that the Hollywood big wigs were looking for Jason to be the sympathetic character in this installment and Kane didn't have expressive enough eyes.

Really.

A mute, maggot-ridden walking, hacking, killing corpse was going to be the sympathetic character.

Rage building.

But I digress, as this is all water under the bridge by now. The original point I was trying to make is that this was the first real genre film with Kane's name attached to it in the post-FvJ screwjob world (For the record, I thoroughly enjoyed FvJ. I still missed Kane though.). Even better, Kane was going to be playing the part of the villain, a deformed backwoods man-child by the name of Victor Crowley. A villain that by all accounts sounds as close to Jason Voorhees as one can get without infringing copyright. And, let's face it, there's definitely some similarities in the prosthetics.



Some people might balk at the idea of Kane playing a Jason-imposter. Not me though, I relish it. The Jason role was taken away from Kane before his time with it was rightfully over. Myself, and countless other fans, want nothing more than to see Kane back in the hockey mask, shredding horny teens with his machete. Lacking that possibility, I'll accept him doing it with a Hatchet.

I should probably mention that as excited as I am for Hatchet, I haven't actually seen it yet. It could be rubbish. Somehow, I doubt it. I've nothing but good things about this one. Also, despite the way I might sound just above this, I'm not hoping for Hatchet to be an exact replica of the Friday the 13th series. As much as I adore the classic characters (Freddy, Jason, Micahel, Chucky, etc.), the genre has been stagnant for some time. We need new blood (so clever). Hatchet sounds to me like it could be the next big franchise. Only time will tell.
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Order of the Phoenix

Hey all, I originally saw this in the theater, laughed about it, and promptly forgot about it. Luckily through the advent of the glorious technology that is DVD, I was able to not only see this footage again, but also grab a screencap for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy, I know I did.


For those of you weird enough to want to see the unmolested version, this is a modification of a single frame insertion somewhere around the 2:01:45 mark. It occurs just post wizard's duel when Harry's writhing in the sand like Linda Blair.
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Rainn Wilson Is The Man

I really like "The Office."


That right there is Rainn Wilson. He is fantastic. Even his name is fantastic. Rainn Wilson. Rainn. If this whole acting thing doesn't work out I think he should change his last name and start a heavy metal group; Rainn Destruction, Rainny Days, Rainn of Chaos. Or maybe we could spell it Khaos, that would be pretty awesome too. Anyway, I don't think he gets a lot of credit for it, but Rainn Wilson is one of the big reasons this show is great. Dwight Schrute is just an incredible foil for the other characters to play off of. He's awkward, mean, anti-social, etc. He's the character you love to hate.

I just plain love him.

Don't get me wrong, Jim, Pam, and of course Michael Scott are all great characters. The show just wouldn't work without them. The problems I have with Jim and Pam are they're clearly meant to be the only characters that you're supposed to like and identify with. Michael Scott is fantastic as portrayed by Steve Carell. The only complaint I have about him is that Michael can be so awkward that some of his scenes are just plain hard to watch. But I mean that in a good way, honestly I do.

Anyway, I honestly like all of the characters on "The Office". I just thought I'd take the time to thank Rainn Wilson for his great performance because I don't often hear his praises sung. By the way, I really liked you in "Galaxy Quest" and "House of 1,000 Corpses" too. Rock on, Rainn.

Oh, yeah.

Kevin is pretty great too.

Rock on, Brian Baumgartner.


Edit: I may have been wrong about the credit thing. A Googlefight between Dwight Schrute and Jim Halpert shows Dwight Schrute winning handedly. Also, a googlefight between Rainn Wilson and John Krasinski proves Rainn to be the winner again. Maybe he does get enough appreciation after all. With a name like Rainn Wilson I can see why. Poor John Krasinski.
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Legend, I Am

I'm fairly tired of the hype surrounding Will Smith's new vehicle, "I Am Legend". I cannot count the number of people in my life who have asked me if I liked it yet, and it only came to theaters 2 days ago. It seems people who know me expect this movie to be right up my alley because it has "bitchin' vampires and shit" in it. Normally, they'd probably be right. It does sound right up my ally. Especially the "bitchin' vampires" part. I suspect the reason why many people think I would enjoy this movie is because there are many movies with the same premise that I do enjoy. A story about an isolated survivor(s), trapped in a desolate location, surrounded by monsters, wallowing in despair. Recent examples include "The Mist" and "30 Days of Night".

Back to the point. The reasons I'm not excited for "I Am Legend" are three fold:

1) I read the book. It's probably the greatest example of vampire, genre fiction ever. EVER. I'm looking at you Anne Rice.

2) I liked "The Omega Man" AND "The Last Man on Earth." Do I really need to see another version of the same material?

3) It stars Will Smith.

A good many people have argued with me endlessly about that third point (and the first two, although to lesser extents). But I submit to you now evidence that Will Smith ruins everything he touches.

a) I, Robot
b) Independence Day
c) Wild, Wild West (both the movie and the music video. I'll never forgive you MTV.)
d) I, Robot
e) The Legend of Bagger Vance
f) Men in Black II (Really, how hard is it to play a straightman against Tommy Lee Jones' funny man act? Really, how hard?)
g) The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Seasons 3-6.
h) I, Robot
i) Enemy of the State
j) Shark Tale
k) and finally, I, Robot

Did I mention "I, Robot"? Really? I didn't? Well, then, "I, Robot" sucked hard.

May I also mention that the novel "I, Robot" is also a fine example of fantastic, classic genre fiction, much like "I Am Legend," and lookey what happened there. They took the title, a dash of the basic laws of robotics, a pinch of some made up stupid action sci-fi story, a whole crapload of bad cgi effects, put it all in a blender and poured it onto celluloid. Also, they cast Will Smith in the lead role. Will "I'm an Action Hero" Smith. Will "I'm so cool. I was the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Remember that show? Everyone loves it. You still know the damn theme song, don't you? That's right, love me and give me your money" Smith.

Will Smith ruins everything he touches.

And don't give me that "Pursuit of Happyness" or "Hitch" crap. I'm not buying it.

The only thing that really bothers me about all of this is that a few reviewers I trust have ended up recommending this movie to me. Maybe I will enjoy this movie if I ever get over myself, shut up, and just go see it.

Only one way to find out I suppose.

But really, how much better would this movie have been if Christian Bale had been cast as Robert Neville. Sigh. Oh well, don't mind me, I just have a man crush on Christian Bale. In a completely hetero-way though, I assure you.

Really.

Speaking of which, did any of you see "3:10 to Yuma"? No? Shame on you. It was great, and I don't even like Russell Crowe.
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Alien vs. Predator vs. Firefox: Icon Requiem

There is a plot afoot. I don't yet know it's purpose, but the signs are upon us.


Seriously though, whose idea was it to make a poster for a movie about marauding monsters look like the icon for an internet browsing application.

While we're on the subject of AvP:R... Does anyone really care anymore? When I grew up the first AvP movie had been in the works for something like 15 ridiculous years. There were comics, books, and video games to tide us over, but what we really wanted was to see the two biggest uglies in all of Hollywood duke it out in the big screen. When the first movie was finally upon us, pretty much every film going male of appropriate age experienced a nerdgasm like never before. AvP was finally upon us and it was going to be AWESOME.

And then the movie sucked.

In my eyes at least, AvP pretty much killed any momentum either series still had going for it. Mind you, I'd already turned a mostly blind eye to Alien: Resurrection (Heck, part of me secretly LOVES parts of this movie. Underwater aliens? Hells yes!). It should come as no surprise, then, that when I heard that there would be a sequel to AvP, I greeted the news with a resounding 'Meh.'

And that was BEFORE I heard about the plot.


MINOR SPOILERS AHEAD! MAYBE? IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE TRAILER YET?


So get this, the aliens and the predators crash land on Earth...

Hold on a second. I'll let that sink in.

For those of you who might not have followed the Aliens series too closely, one of the huge, major, important plot points constantly brought up is how Ripley cannot UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES allow even one single alien to make it to Earth. The operating theory is that they will spread like wild fire and pretty much wipe out all life on our planet. Ripley goes to some pretty extreme measures to prevent that from happening, including taking her own life at the end of Alien 3.

Yeah, so, remember that huge, important plot point from the original series? Well guess what, AvP:R takes place hundreds of years BEFORE the original Aliens series. And the Aliens end up on Earth. And, apparently, we handled it just fine. Fuck you, Ripley.

Oh, and apparently fuck you, fans of the series.

The only thing I'll give AvP:R is the fact that the previews don't look terrible AND they got an R-rating for it, compared to the PG-13 slapped onto the first one. At the very least the 'R' convinces me that they're actually going to try to correct some of the errors made in the first movie.

Color me intrigued enough to consider seeing it.

But the poster is still silly.
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Live Free or Die Hard

The movie once called Die Hard 4.0 in some of the classier rumorvilles has come and gone. As usual, I'm getting to the party kind of late. Heck, the DVD came out some several weeks ago at this point. Nothing I have to say about the movie review wise would be new or fresh. Suffice then to say, if you like the other Die Hard movies this one is at least worth checking out. Although I highly recommend the unrated DVD over the theatrical version. There's just something satisfying about watching a pissed off Bruce Willis dropping f-bombs.

Irregardless (not a word), I have noticed an alarming yet equally intriguing trend in the Die Hard series of movies that needs to be shared with the world.

Let me begin this explanation by saying I'm looking extremely forward to Die Hard 6. Why?, you are no doubt asking yourself at this very moment. Furthermore, you ask, what about Die Hard 5?

I have little to no interest in Die Hard 5. In fact it'll probably suck, hard (so clever). Die Hard 6, however, will be grand.

So what's the great secret? See if you can follow me on this one. The Die Hard films have all been about upping the ante in the subsequent installments. Generally speaking, this has been accomplished by increasing the scale at which the movie villain's plot unfolds. Case in point: "Die Hard" took place in a building. "Die Hard 2" was in an airport. "Die Hard With A Vengeance" saw Bruce and Sammy J running all over New York City. Finally, in "Live Free or" an entire country is at stake.

Logically speaking, we should continue to see an increase in scale is any sequels that are as of yet forthcoming. Using this logic, it should be no surprise that Die Hard 5 will see John McClane fighting to save the world. Ho Hum. Die Hard 6, on the other hand...

Well...

Die Hard 6 will see John McClane fighting to save the galaxy.

Yes.

That's right.

John McClane. In Space.

Die Hard 6: Blast Off or Die Hard.

This will no doubt be the greatest "In Space" installment of any series. EVER. With the possible exception of Jason X. And Leprachaun 4. Okay, or Critters 4. But ASIDE from those.

You heard it here first, folks. Yippi-ki-yay!
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Movie Spoof Archive

Welcome to the Movie Spoof Archive here at B-Movie Geek! Since titles of spoofs may vary from the source material, links will be listed according to the movie they're based on. The list is constantly growing so poke around and enjoy!

A
Avatar (also see Commentary article)

B

C

D
Die Hard
District 9


E
The Eye

F

G

H
Halloween II (2009)

I
I Am Legend

J

K

L

M
Mirrors

N

O

P
Paranormal Activity

Q

R

S
Saw
Shutter
Sorority Row (Remake)

T

U
Untraceable

V

W

X

Y

Z
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Movie Review Archive

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